i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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