The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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