Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
