the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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