youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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