im six kinds of drunk right now
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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