pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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