hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
