Im at strip club and am horny
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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