I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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