If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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