im six kinds of drunk right now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize