I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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