you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
