worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
