is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
ttyl tear gas
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Two words: blizzard sex
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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