I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
