I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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