I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
