There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize