ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
