and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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