I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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