my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
and she was petting her beer can
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
