Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
