I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize