I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
