I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
soo... how was my night?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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