I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
