Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
