when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
