I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
