I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
