He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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