Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
