I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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