Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
