He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize