Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
