Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
