Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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