once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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