i think my mom watched the whole time
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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