In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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