Swine flu. Run for my life!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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