But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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