I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
