I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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