nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
