just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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