I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
