Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
