i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sorry about my life...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
