if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
