MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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