his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
