Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
