my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
