I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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