I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
