So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
