I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
