WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This toilet bowl is my home.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
