Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
