we made out on top of his cat.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
