I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
