well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
