Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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